The water ran as hot as my blood as I scrubbed the dish in my hand. It was a "small" lie, but a lie non the less and so here I was finding myself right in the middle of a parental growth spurt. There you stood between me and the dishwasher, tears streaming down your cheeks, sobbing words that cut through my heart, "Mama, I just want you to cuddle me!" Someday I pray you get to experience how a little person that you love, with all of who you are, has a way of bringing two opposite emotions to the surface with raw intensity. Of course I wanted to scoop you up, dry your tears, and take away your discomfort. But everything in my heart was telling me that this is the beginning. This is where I either prioritize your comfort or your character; to help you start to understand the power of your choices, and the bottomless depth of God's love.
You are very good at tidying up your room. Your sweet little voice had carried down the hall, "Clean up. Clean up. Everybody, everywhere..." It was easy to believe you when you said you were all done, and it was all clean. So yes, it caught me off guard when I walked past and hour later and it was still the very same mess as when I had seen it last. You were probably tired. I'm sure you needed a snack. But you had made the choice to lie to me, and in my fallible nature, patience was lacking. I was calm, but you were overwhelmed. So we did the cuddles. We did the clear expectations. I sat in your room to keep you company. I sang with you. We did the breaking it into small tasks, and taking turns. An hour and a half later there was no progress. So there I was trying not to lose my cool, while prayerfully attempting to finding the balance between accountability and grace.
I reach over you, savoring the control I have of where the plate will land in the rack. In the chaos of your and my emotions, there was clarity as I thought about our Father's heart and how He parents all of His creation. How His love is doubted when His children endure pain, and how blame is cast upon Him when we find ourselves in the reality of where our choices lead us. To be pleaded with by so many to provide comfort after endless betrayal is beyond my comprehension, yet He does.
Almost as simply as the dishwasher door closing, your tears stop falling. I tell you how much I love you and head to the garage to grab a box. At this age, it's your job to have BIG feelings and to not quite know how to process them. So your laughter filling our home tells me that the pendulum has swung and with it all accountability has been forgotten. While you play, I fill the box with the forgotten things on your bedroom floor. As each item goes into the box I play through my mind how surely the absence of what you love will drive the lesson home.
My treasure girl, if my love for you didn't expand so far beyond today, this would all seem so trivial. It could easily be chalked up to you being so little and not knowing better. It may not always feel like it to you, but I love you too much to start establishing the habit of passing up opportunities for you to learn simply because it is uncomfortable for us both. There will so many times I fail. My prayer is that you will come to know the true meaning of obedience. Not for me, but for you, because when we understand obedience, that is when we can truly be thankful for grace.
About to take my victory walk, box full to the brim, I turn just as you happily bound into your space. I prepare for more tears. Satisfying, heartbreaking disciplinary tears so that I could follow those tears up with the talk that would keep you from ever lying again (insert sarcasm). But instead with pure glee you race around your now empty room exclaiming, "Oh Mama its so clean! I love it! It's so spick and span!" HAHA!!! (face palm :) ) WHAT!?! First of all, where did you hear "spick and span"?!? Second, you are suppose to be sad and automatically understand the error of your ways (insert more sarcasm)!
Just like that I realized two things: If ever, for a split second, I think I have this parenting thing figured out, I don't and never will. Also, sweet girl, I am in need of accountability and grace just as much as you are. At the end of the day, whether my parenting strategies seemed to hit home or not, it really doesn't matter. I may be able to help shape your behavior, but only He can change your heart. I pray that someday you will truly come to know just how much you are loved.
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| Photo credit goes to Meme :)
Love,
Mama
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